Only Hope
by ShannonEsmerelda1
Summary: How am I supposed to deal with this? How do I act? How do I mourn? How do I live? How do I breath?
1. Prologue

Life works in funny ways, doesn't it? You wake up on a simple day, one like any other, but isn't that how any tragedy begins? And then it hits you like an 18 wheeler, smashing into you and crushing all the emotion out until nothing is left but cruel sadness.

Life was that way for me, I lost my mother just a few days ago. She had cancer, not that I would ever let anyone know that. I mean why bother them with my troubles? There's so much going on our world right now that my problems will just have to take the backseat.

I mean there are still death eaters lose, running amock in the streets everyday! I have to be strong; I have to be able to take care of myself as well as protect the ones I love.

I am Hermione Granger; proud witch of her age entering her 7th year at Hogwarts.


	2. Chapter 1

This morning was going to be tough...I'd decided the day mum died that I'd have to leave. It just hurt too much to stay here, where everything I looked at reminded me of our lives together. All the days we spent baking oatmeal raisin cookies, all the nights spent watching funny movies until tears were coming out of our eyes we'd laughed so hard.

I think...for my age...I was handling it well. I mean I hadn't broken down yet...but then again I'm not sure I've even realized she's gone...it feels like I'll still wake up to the smell of Belgian waffles and hot chocolate.

But I won't. I won't wake up to the smell of waffles and hot cocoa. No more late night Breakfast Club re-watching with buttered caramel popcorn. No more baking cookies until the kitchen was bursting with them.

So I sent a letter to Sirius asking if it would be alright if I could stay with him for a while, and that I'd explain if he said yes. Last night his owl came pecking at my window with a letter saying he'd be delighted to have me around.

Since then I've been packing, not bothering to sleep. Dad didn't know I was leaving, so I'd have to apparate before he woke up or after he left for work. I don't think I could bear to sit through breakfast, looking at his bed-ragged face and disheveled hair.

I've gotten most of what I own packed, and it's about 5:00 in the morning, meaning he'll be up in about an hour and a half.

I had all my books in my enchanted bag, along with my muggle clothes, and school robes. I had all my photos and my little book of recipes. I had the stuffed animal dad gave me on our first trip to the zoo. I had my wand and my broom that never got used, and my potions kit and my cauldron.

I was set to go. I sat down on my bed, knowing I would miss the bright blue bed covering and the soft, plush pillows that made up for the bed creaking. I looked at the floor, wondering if I'd ever see the paint splattered floor boards again; mum had decided to paint my room for me, and it didn't really turn out well.

I took out a quill and parchment, deciding I needed to tell dad I hadn't been kidnapped, even though it felt like he would just know. _You owe him that much Hermione, he's your father. _I told myself, ignoring the crushing feeling I got in my gut.

_How do I explain? Where do I start? This was all so simple before I'd finished packing. No it wasn't. Nothing's ever been simple._ I thought to myself, my head bent down and my face blank from emotions.

I heard my door open, and heard the floorboards creak as he walked towards me. I didn't look up. I heard the bed creak and felt the mattress shift underneath me, knowing it was him. I felt his arm wrap around my shoulders, pulling me into a hug.

I felt my eyes wipe dry on his shoulder, and it was then that I realized I'd been crying. "It's alright sweet heart. I know." he said, and I looked up.

I saw the understanding in his green eyes, saw the sadness in the flecks of brown deep in his iris. "Dad..." I said, and he smiled a small, bittersweet smile.

"Just promise you'll come back one day." he said, and I knew I would.

I nodded, and he smiled. He leaned forward, kissing my forehead. "Goodbye love." he said, and walked out of the room.

I stared at the door for a while; it must've been a long while, because when I finally looked away I felt the sun on my face, and the tears had long since dried. _Goodbye daddy...I Love you..._ I thought, taking my wand out and apparating away.


	3. Chapter 2

I landed on the front steps of 12 Grimmauld Place with a loud _snap_. I took a deep breath. "You can do this Hermione, you've survived worse." I told myself, not noticing how my hand subconciously gripped my arm.

"You don't look any different. You don't sound any different. You can do this." I said, and raised my hand to knock on the door.

Right before my knuckles rapped against the heavy wooden door, it opened to reveal Sirius in his scruffy chinned glory.

"Now then, are you actually going to come in? Or were you just going to stand on the door step for ages?" He asked me, and I jumped foward to hug him.

"Hey Sirius..." I mumbled into his shoulder, trying not to break down on his porch.

"Alright, come on then, in you get. I think you owe me an explanation?" he said, shuffling me inside and sitting me at the kitchen table.

"Right...explanation...see well...ummm...mum's been ill lately and umm..." I stared at the mug of hot chocolate he placed in front of me as he sat down.

"Has she? She's alright isn't she?" He siad, and I saw his brow crease in worry.

I looked back down to the hot chocolate. "Well...she umm...she passed the other day..." I mumbled, and he looked as though he was straining to hear me.

"Sorry, didn't quite catch that." he said to me, and I swallowed nervously, closing my eyes and breathing deeply.

"She passed away five nights ago." I said, louder than I had meant to; It came out a bit like a shout.

"Oh...dear Mione I'm sorry.." he said, but I kept my eyes closed.

"Don't be, It's not as though it's your fault. I just...can't stay there...that house just reminds me far too much of her." I said, opening my eyes at the end to plead with him.

"I understand, you can stay here as long as you like. You can have my mum's room." he told me, and I smiled a small smile at him.

"Thanks..." I yawned a loud yawn, covering my mouth as I did so.

"Have you slept at all?" he asked me, and I saw the sadness on his face.

"I've slept plenty, don't worry about me Sirius." I told him, and smiled. _And yet you haven't slept longer than twenty minutes since her death._

"Alright well, lets get you settled in shall we?" He said. He stood up and walked over to me, picking up my hot chocolate and walking away.

_What does he think? That I'll only follow him for my drink?_ I wondered, but got up and followed after him.

He lead me up four flights of stairs, much to my disdain, down the hall, and to the last door on the right. The door was black, with silver writing on it in cursive. "Slither in the Darkness..." I muttered, reading the words aloud.

"Mother was a Slytherin." he said, answering the unspoken question. He took a key out of his pocket; it was an old key, about the size of my hand, on a silver chain, and it shone brightly when the light bounced off it's silver sheen.

He put the key in the lock, and I heard it click loudly several times as it unlocked. "She was a very...hidden...woman." he said, smiling at me as he pushed the door open.

The room was wide (it must've taken up at least half of this level), with a big window taking up the far side of the room. There was a big four-poster bed with silver and green bedding (as per usual in the slytherin household) and a soft-to-the-touch gray carpet running across the floor. A dresser stood to the left, reaching from the floor to the ceiling and painted with silver snakes slithering across its' wooden frame.

it was a simple room, not much in it other than the furnishings. It looked like any pictures had been taken down, and any clothes removed. That would make sense though, wouldn't it? I wouldn't want to leave things lying around that reminded me of those I mourn.

_Maybe he mourns her the way I will._ I thought to myself, walking into the room and immediately feeling a blanket of warmness shroud over me. Something about this room...made me feel...safe. I don't know what it is, but I like it.

"Thanks Sirius." I say, turning around to face him before hugging his waist. _He's really far too tall._ I think to myself, letting go of him.

"No prob Mione." he said, and I flinched. _Mione Granger, do you think it's time to bake?_ I heard her voice say, and shut my eyes.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and realized I had moved away from him. I opened my eyes to see him looking at me with sad eyes and a sympathetic smile. _I don't want sympathy. _I thought to myself, smiling a fake smile at him.

He left the room then, I guess to let me get settled in. I unpacked all my stuff slowly, feeling oddly sluggish. I left my thousands of books in piles around the room, not really caring to much that they took up so much space, and put my meager amount of clothes in the dresser. I had thrown out any clothes that I had bought with her...I couldn't bear to wear them.

_I guess I'll have to go shopping at some point...maybe I can get a job in hogsmeade when I get back to school? I'll have to talk to Dumbledore or Professor McGonagall about that.._ I thought with a sigh, realizing I didn't exactly have that much money.

I climbed onto the bed, trying to find a comfortable spot on it to sleep. Failing miserably, I went and slept on the couch attached to the bay window, falling asleep with the moon reflecting on my face.


	4. Chapter 3

I suppose mornings could be considered the beginning of a journey, waking up unsure of whether or not you'd be waking up the next morning. My mornings seemed less like a journey however, and more like a task these days. I'd been staying with Sirius for a week now, and it seemed like we'd begun our own little routine.

I wake up in the morning, going downstairs to a cup of coffee and a cranky Sirius sitting at the table reading the paper. He'd ask me how I slept and I'd say it went well, even though the both of us knew it hadn't. He'd probably heard me scream when I woke up from a nightmare. He wouldn't point that out though, not once.

Then he'd go off to do whatever from-the-house work he did for the order, which meant he'd sit in his office all day, only coming out when it was time for dinner. I'd go up to the library, deciding to help Kreacher with his cleaning that he hardly ever did.

Kreacher seemed to detest me more than cleaning though, and usually left me alone in my cleaning of the library. I'd go to the kitchen and order takeout from the leaky cauldron, and Tom would leave it at the doorstep with the bill that would be paid at the end of the week, which is how Sirius had been living this whole time when Molly wasn't here to cook.

I suppose Tom could've told the death eaters where Sirius was, but since Sirius was a form of income for him, I doubt he would. Then we'd sit at dinner in silence, the only thing to keep us company being the clatter of forks against plates.

So that's where we are now, sitting at the table, a pepperoni and mushroom pizza between us. Then he did something he normally doesn't do. He broke the silence.

"The Weaseley's will be coming to stay here soon. They wrote to me last night asking if I'd like some company. I personally am doing just fine with the girl who's like a daughter to me, but I doubted that youd'd want to just be stuck here with me to keep you company." he said, leaving me to stare at him with the pizza inches away from my mouth.

"I'm not lonely, but I suppose it isn't really up to me, is it?" I said, and knew that even to me that sounded surprising. _Why shouldn't I want the Weasley's here? I should sound ecstatic! I should be dancing in my seat at seeing the women who's like a-_ I felt my thought's hit a brick wall as I realized why I wasn't excited. _She's like a mother to me._ I thought to myself, biting into the pizza without actually tasting it.

"If you don't feel up to it I could always write again saying that I feel under the weather. I didn't exactly tell them you were here as well." He said, and I suddenly felt like an immense burden.

"No no, don't do that. It's your home not mine. You can have over whomever you wish to, without even telling me." I told him, continuing to munch on my pizza awkwardly.

"Hermione...you really are like a daughter to me. If it makes you uncomfortable to be in the company of too many people I'll tell them no." he said, and I smiled at him.

"Thank you Sirius, but I'll be quite alright." I told him, and he smiled.

"Alright then...they'll be arriving in the next week." he said, and I nodded. We finished eating, and I figured that if there was anything more to say between the two of us, he'd tell me at some point.

He left the room, clearing his plate and leaving me to stare at the table. The Weasley's coming to visit made something all the more apparent to me. I hadn't heard from anyone all summer; nobody wrote, nobody called, nothing.

That was usually acceptable for Harry I suppose, considering that the Dursley's may have locked Hedwig in a cage again, preventing him from sending anything, but Ron usually answered my letters...oh well, I suppose I'll figure it out next week.

_I guess my week will be a journey then...especially cleaning this house for company._ I thought to myself with a bitter smirk on my face.


	5. Chapter 4

Today was a normal day, or at least, that's how it was for every other creature in the universe. It was never a normal day for me; it seemed I couldn't catch a break lately. It'd been about a week since Sirius told me that I'd be stuck in a house full of red-heads, and I wasn't really sure how I felt about that.

Don't get me wrong, the Weaseley's were like a family to me, it's just that they reminded me far too much of the things I used to have...Molly with her motherly-doting, though she did it in such a manner that it was at the opposite end of the spectrum compared to my mother. My mother would cheer me up with a baking session to feed an entire army snicker doodles, while Molly would chase the boys around threatening them if they misbehaved. It was sweet really, but she wasn't my mother.

I was currently sitting with a frown on my face, wondering when they'd be here. I'd grown used to the silence, reveled in it really. Me and Sirius seemed to live together peacefully in our not-so-solitary-solitude.

I was in the kitchen, staring at the tea I'd brewed for no purpose. I knew I wasn't in the mood to drink it, but my body seemed to do it on instinct, It wasn't until the water was already seeping that I'd realized exactly why I'd done it; my mum had made tea every morning at exactly 10:30 every summer since I was old enough to enjoy it.

That thought had left me sitting there, staring at the now luke warm tea with a furrowed brow and a frown on my face.

Sirius walked in then, and gave me a look. "You alright bush-head?" He asked, a small smile on his face, snapping me out of my trance-like state.

I looked up to him blankly. "Yea I'm fine," I said. "Just thinking."

"The Weaseley's should be here in a few moments. Molly sent a message saying they would floo over." he said, and I looked at him confused.

"But your fireplace was disconnected from the floo network, was it not?" i asked him curiously.

"Yes well...let's just say it's been temporally reconnected." He said, and I nodded. Must've had Mr. Weaseley do it. I thought to myself.

"Okay." I say, and go back to staring at the tea for a moment.

"You know you can hide out in your room if you don't feel like company." he said, and I shrugged. My room. I guess that's what it is now. I mean...I don't live there anymore... I thought to myself.

"I think I'll just go sit in the kitchen with my laptop." I told him, and he nodded. It had taken at least twenty minutes to explain what a laptop was to him the first time I used it in front of him; it wasn't that he was stupid or something along those lines, it's that he didn't get how billions of muggles could be connected by a simple piece of plastic filled with wires.

I sat in the kitchen with my laptop open to a blank desktop screen. Well...not exactly blank. There was a shortcut in the middle of it...one that leads to photos...photos of her...

That was how I was when Sirius walked in, and after the fireplace let out a grunt as the first of the Weasley's came through. That was how I was when they all came in to greet him, only looking up when Sirius gently closed the laptop.

They hadn't seemed to notice my odd behavior, or that I was even there. I can't blame them really, I was being awfully quiet. So I picked up my laptop and slipped out of the room, only to be noticed by two, devilishly-grinning red heads.

I slipped into my room, avoiding any steps that creaked or squeaked. I locked the door, slipping the key back to its' place around my neck. I slipped into the bed, climbing under the covers, and staring at the ceiling.

~Flashback~

_I was sitting in the backyard, under the warm heat of the sun as I read Hogwarts: A History. My hair was pulled back into a braid courtesy of my mother, and she was sitting next to me with her glasses pushed up high on her nose as she read. _

_She was reading a muggle novel, one about some sort of monster called The Blob or something like that. We were quiet, we were peaceful, we were happy. I remember wishing that the sun would stay out forever, but it never lasted in the forever cloudy we lived in. _

_My dad had been inside, looking around furiously for something he had yet again misplaced, so neither of us expected the flash that came with him taking a picture of us. We had jumped simultaneously into the air, both books falling from our hands onto the porch. _

_He had been stood there with his hands on the camera, and a cheesy grin on his face. _

~Flashback ends~

I was still staring at the ceiling; maybe I was hoping it would open up and grab me and take me into a world where pain didn't exist. I was vaguely aware that I wasn't crying, just sitting there with a morose look on my face.

I felt my brows crease as I sat there thinking about nothing; I had nothing to think about and it frustrated me to no end.

I felt my eyes droop as I heard the bangs and shouts of the Weasleys getting settled in. I nodded off with my brow furrowed, and a frown on my face.


End file.
